Everybody Sucks: Or Why I Want to Live in a Goddamn Cave with My Husband, My Dog, and a Bottle of Wine

There is so much foolishness afoot I don’t even know where to begin.

I guess we should start with all the brouhaha over Duck Dynasty. Phil Robertson, the old dude with the gray beard, was interviewed in GQ Magazine and said some really shitty things about gay people and got fired for it. Now Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh, the WBC, and any other group that hates the “lamestream” media is up in arms over his constitutional right to say what he feels. There is even a Facebook page dedicated to getting him back on the air (with close to 500000 Likes). And while obviously I don’t agree with what he said, I’m also not surprised. An old, deeply religious Southerner who makes his living duck hunting equates homosexuality to sleeping with animals and makes our “sin” tantamount to terrorism? Boy I didn’t see that one coming! Why is A&E surprised? Why is ANYONE surprised? Clearly the message here is you are allowed to have your thoughts but not voice them. What always strikes me as false and dumb is that the only reason these people get fired or fined or “suspended” is not because the organizations behind them are standing on morality. They are worried about their advertisers pulling out, losing fans, and losing money. It’s all so ridiculous and sad. And if we are really going to fire people for anti-gay speech, a large chunk of Congress would be out of work. But they aren’t because Congress is elected and we don’t want to piss off voters. Plus, NBC isn’t losing any money when Tim Huelskamp runs off at the mouth.

I also don’t give two fucks what Phil Robertson thinks about me or my culture and the fact that he is using “God” as his reasoning gives his ramblings even less validity in my eyes. Part of me wishes that the entire Left would take the tone of The Daily Show and just laugh at people’s archaic beliefs or ignore them all together. If you are naive enough in 2013 to believe that gay people are still the enemy, firing Phil from his reality show – a reality show designed to exploit blue collar beliefs and culture – is not going to make some great statement. But then SOMETHING must be done to fight “injustice,” if that’s what we are calling it. It’s not like he is Putin. I don’t know. It’s all so exhausting.

Come to think of it, EVERYTHING is so exhausting. Everyone sucks. Everyone is boring. And our culture is one giant fucktwat adolescent that needs to grow up all ready. There is the constant aping of sex like it is still shocking. I don’t know what Gaga and Ag thought they were doing but it wasn’t shocking, musical, or even entertaining. They sounded like cats caught in a goddamn lawn mower. Family Feud‘s clues all have a sexual innuendo, which is cheap and lazy. “Ooo, we are getting MidWesterners to say ‘penis’ on TV. Look how edgy we are!” God. Miley Cyrus rides nude on her wrecking ball and we swear the apocalypse is happening. And she rides nude on her wrecking ball because she KNOWS that people will be up in arms and it will give her attention. But it’s blase and unartistic. Licking a sledgehammer? Really, Terry Richardson? REALLY! #zzzzz

I went to the store the other day to buy lube and found out that it is now locked up in the pharmacy, along with the condoms. Why? Initially, I thought it was due to our War on Sex. No. It was because they kept getting stolen. Now. I am not condoning theft here. But who steals condoms and lube? Teenagers and poor people. And why are they stealing condoms and lube? So when they have sex they don’t get pregnant or an STI. Shouldn’t this be encouraged? And yes, there are free clinics and blah blah blah. But come on, you are telling me CVS and Ralph’s aren’t billionaires? If teenagers are going to steal anyway (and they are going to steal anyway), don’t you want them being protected and not getting knocked up at 15? “Well, they shouldn’t be having sex anyway!” Maybe not. Or maybe they are ready. And maybe if sex still didn’t carry such a crazy stigma, they wouldn’t feel ashamed to throw down a box of Trojans with their pack of Orbit. And maybe, I don’t know, if sex education were taught in school (and not just Insert Penis Here, but the actually ramifications of sex, the emotions of sex, the joys of sex), maybe we wouldn’t have so many fucking pregnant teens.

Then there are all these damn awards. LA is a town chronically rewarding itself and always for the same things: deep, dark, “important” movies. Gurl, you need a fucking Valium just to make it through these Oscar bait movies. Does no one like to laugh anymore? And what does it all mean? Nothing. TMZ keeps us up to date on who is dating who. People shows us that Stars are Just Like Us (“Drew Barrymore caught buying Starbucks! Does she use Skim or Soy?!”). Cosmo telling women the Top Ten Ways to Know If Your Man is Cheating. Men’s Fitness showing us how to have 8 Pack Abs in 8 Weeks. Commercials telling us to buy this and need that because “You’re Worth It”. “Tune in tonight at 5 to find out how watermelons may give you cancer!” “Tune in tonight at 8 to find out why watermelons are the new wonder food!” Seacrest interviewing…well, anyone. These dumb Battle of the Sexes’ contests on the radio. Women still expecting men to open their car doors, pull out their chairs, and pay for their dinner, but God forbid he expect some sex at the end of the date. Baggage. Dr. Phil’s smug ass telling us how to live our lives. Britney Spears and Katy Perry and Robin Thicke and even Lady Gaga “show us their soul” by making millions. Madonna acting like a goddamn teenager with her fucking grillz. Rewarding stupidity on the regular. Albums and naked pics “leaked” to the press like it wasn’t on purpose. “Vin Diesel’s gay! No he’s bi!” James Franco does another queer project. “BREAKING NEWS: Tom Daley is gay with Dustin Lance Black. Where is the sex tape?” Politicians lying to get what they want and doing what is right for their party and not the country. Talentless people airing their dirty laundry in an array of reality garbage to get their 15 minutes of nothing. Co-workers throwing shade for no reason. Celebrities and their self-righteous panhandling for charities that conveniently have a tie in with their latest hit song. The overwhelming obligation to be present and care. Everyone so afraid to say what they really feel because we are so obsessed with being loved. Like my Fan Page. Read my Blog. Use my Coupon to redeem your 2 for 1 Special at the Sizzler! Buy Coca-Cola! It has a cute polar bear on the can! Racism is still a thing. Poverty is still a thing. Wal-Mart is still a thing. People are still murdered in the name of Christ or Allah or whoever. And the endless news feed scrolling on every channel tells us all what we already know: everybody sucks. And the world is going to hell.


It’s not like we are at some major crossroads where all this bullshit is convening for the first time; our culture has always been sensationalist, always bickered, always wanted to tune out (Hell, we have thousands of channels and still nothing is ever on). And it’s not like I am above or separate from the problems I espouse (as much as I would like to think I am); I watch reality TV. I buy goods from corporate chains. I want to be famous like everyone else. And I (attempt to) shock to get attention. But I have reached this breaking point recently where all of it, even my own bullshit, is just eye-roll-inducing gross. I want to retire from the world, get really wasted, write, and have so much sex my body parts need to be replaced (not necessarily in that order).

But I can’t just give up on life, retreat to the shadows and leave society; I don’t have that type of constitution. So what the hell to do about it? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Because this feeling will pass. If we have learned nothing from our disposable culture, we know that with each passing revolution, each quotable sound bite, each poll, each new list of whatever, each new product we are told is absolutely crucial to own, we become more and more jaded. More and more apathetic. More and more ignorant because staying smart is just too much fucking work. Most days I wish I could be my dog, content to lick my feet for hours and just sleep, dreaming of nothing. I wish I could rise above, wish I actually were a god, but I’m not. I’m a slightly above average thinker who wants to be rich so he can quit the system but knows he never will. And that sucks.