Nomi Malone and Friends: A Trip Through Cinema’s Trash

nomi No one sets out to fail. Especially artists. With reputations, futures, and millions of dollars at stake, Hollywood will fight to the death to make something that the American people will want to buy. Sadly/sadistically, sometimes Hollywood will underestimate itself and overestimate its audience, turning in duds. Some movies are bound to fail. The law of averages. And they will disappear as quickly as they came. But some movies are so awful, so painful, so egregiously full of WTFuckery that, like Alex Forrest, they WILL NOT BE IGNORED! Lucky us! My new column, BAD CINEMA, will feature bombs, turds, and stinkers from the an(n)als of Hollywood’s sewers. I will take you through the worst of the worst, wading knee deep in their schadenfreude-ian shit.

There are five types of Bad Cinema:

1) Car Crash – films so ugly, so disconcerting, yet you can’t look away

2) Colonoscopy – films so painful you feel physically violated

3) Berkley – films so full of terrible moments that they become enjoyable (named for the brilliantly awful performance of Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls)

4) Rip van Winkle – films so boring they put you to sleep

5) Kardashian – films that know they are terrible and revel in it

Enjoy and Discuss.


Showgirls (1995)

Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band (1978)

Roller Boogie  (1979)

What Ever Happened to Aunt Alice? (1969)

Compliance  (2012)

The Wedding Planner  (2001)

Mother’s Boys (1994)

The Princess and the Frog (2009)

Gigli (2003)

White Chicks (2004)

The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987)

Airport ’75 (1974)

The Killer Inside Me (2010)

Vamp (1986)

How to Be a Player (1997)

Ernest Goes to Jail (1990)

Another Gay Movie (2006)

It’s Pat! (1994)

Eyes Wide Shut (1999)

Angela, The Fireworks Woman (1975)

Battleship (2012)

Can’t Stop the Music (1980)

The Exorcist (1973)

The Three Stooges: The Movie (2012)

The Next Best Thing (2000)

Myra Breckinridge (1970)

Sex and the City 2 (2010)

Catwoman (2004)

The Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence (2011)

Movie 43 (2013)

The Main Event (1979)

Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995)

Glen or Glenda? (1953)

Cleopatra (1963)

The Sound of Music Live! (2013)

The Bling Ring (2013)

A Dirty Shame (2004)

Nine (2009)

Spice World (1997)

W.E. (2011)

Alien3 (1992)

Sextette (1978)

The Big Wedding (2013)

Body of Evidence (1993)

Diana (2013)

The Happening (2008)

Heartbeeps (1981)

The Apple (1980)

Trapped in the Closet (2005-2012)

Magic in the Moonlight (2014)

Norbit (2007)

The Greatest Show on Earth (1952)

Nymphomaniac (2014)

Ishtar (1987)

Tyler Perry’s Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor (2013)

Prozac Nation (2001)

The Hateful Eight (2015)

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